A Hole In My Soul
No. I did not mean “a hole in my heart.” I meant “soul.”
There are people in your church or community who resonate with my statement. They may define it with different words but they understand the concept. They belong to a fellowship of people bound by grief which they did not ask to join.
I originally wrote this post as a father approaching the anniversary of the home-going of my own precious daughter. I am repeating it today as I walk with some of my closest friends through the deep waters of losing a son.
Who makes up this “fellowship” with a full heart yet a “hole in their soul?” — They are the people who have lost a child to death. It is not enough to say they miss the son or daughter or even that their heart aches. . .The only way to express the pain is to expose the “hole in their soul.”
My friends’ pain is new…raw: the wound still open and hemorrhaging. They are gasping for breath, trying to hold on. The open wound will heal, the bleeding can be controlled; but the “hole” in their soul will not simply go away because time passes. A part of them will be perpetually missing.
I would like to share some thoughts on how to be sensitive to those in your church or community who are hurting. Every situation is different, but here are a few considerations to keep in mind:
- Everyone grieves differently and needs to be given liberty to do so.
- Don’t avoid talking about the child: realize parents do long to talk about them.
- Being present with hurting people is usually more important than the words you will say.
- Offer your help but give them space.
- Recommend books or other positive helpful suggestions but don’t push.
- Send notes of encouragement, especially relative to the child’s birthday, death day and special holidays.
- One of our great fears is that people will forget our children; so find ways to let them know they are not forgotten.
- Be aware that all time is now forever related to the day of our child’s death.
- They probably will experience what I call the “tyranny of the first.” For example:
The first Sunday since they died, the first day of a new month, the first time they go to a grocery store, the first time they go to a place the child had been, the first birthday, the first holiday…etc.
This post is not meant to be morbid or discouraging. My goal in writing this is to add value to the Body of Christ. One of the ways I can do that is to help by giving hope and encouragement to someone else with a “hole in their soul.”And now perhaps as a result of this post…so can you!
Mike we appreciate your willingness to share your experience with us. Praying our Lord continues to bless you and your family with his perfect peace. Our experiences our very similar.
Tim and Kathy, thank you for your kind words. My heart goes out to you as you share a similar experience.
Tim, thank you for your kind words and for your prayers.
Hi Mike! Thank you for sharing this. I know how personal this is to you and Betsy. I remember Misty so well growing up at WOL and she was so lively and spirited! I’m sure you guys miss her deeply. You know I trash talk you about UK and Alabama but you and Betsy hold a special place in my heart. Praying your ministry is doing well and again, thank you for sharing with us.
Cathy Long Dudderar
Cathy, Thank you for the words about Misty being lively and spirited, she loved life! Thank you also for your prayers for us and our ministry.
I remember keeping Misty as a baby as a help for you and Betsy. Precious memory. I remember her growing up noting various experiences in her life. She was special, very special. I thank God for everything that the two of you invested in her life. It was well worth the effort. Thankful that you reach out to others to help them with the hole in their souls. Very needed. Thank you for helping each of us press into God in our grief and adversity. Can’t explain everything that God does, but I trust Him. Trust that His thoughts and ways are higher than mine. God views the big picture. What I can do is follow your examples to reach out to others to encourage them. God accomplishes much even when there is great loss. I know this by personal experience and I praise God. Thank you for being my mentor, Mike. Grateful!
Eric, you had a great influence on Misty when she was young and I will never forget your kindness when she passed away. Thank you for your kind words my friend, I sure appreciate you. God bless you as you serve Him. Mike
Having read this a number of times and again today, I am moved by the raw transparency and needed guidance. It is amazing yet painful when He uses the holes in our soul to mold, shape and press us into His image. I appreciate your wisdom and love your friendship and impact on my life!
John, I am excited God is using this post to minister to people and to be used by them to minister to others. Thank you for your kind words and for your faithfulness to the Lord.
“The open wound will heal, the bleeding can be controlled; but the “hole” in their soul will not simply go away because time passes. A part of them will be perpetually missing.” Well said, Mike.
I have been amazed at how “fresh” the wound can become at the most unexpected times. But I am even more amazed at the limitless grace and comfort that our Lord offers.
Donna, your reminder is vivid of how the wound can be opened or just how sensitive it remains. It never goes away!
Right on Mike. Thankyou for that. Thankyou for many ears friendship and spiritual leadership. We los a son about fur years ago and a grandson two weeks ago
Paul garland
Poul, love you and am praying for you, my friend.
Wise and kind words for us, Mike. Thank you. If it weren’t for my own deep grief I wouldn’t “get it”, so I am grateful for the sweet compassion for others I now have. The journey of healing does leave scars and holes in our souls. Thank you and Betsi for your impact in my life and many others.
Becky, we think of you and your family often, God bless you.
Mike we have never had the opportunity of being close to the either one of you. I have watched and seen how God has used the both of you. My wife and I have grieved and prayed for both families from afar. Thanks for being an example of what a servant of the Lord is. Thanks for not giving up. Thanks so much for sharing this with us.
Grateful Dana and Debbie
Thank you for your kind words, your prayers are so appreciated. Mike
Hi Mike,
We think of Betsy and you often and thankful for the encouragement you were to us. Our hearts ache tremendously when we hear of other parents losing a child and wish they would not experience the tremendous pain that it is.
We have been praying often for the Garlands.
How sweet and precious heaven will be! The article was so well written and true.
Much love and prayers to you both,
Barb Ewing
Barbara, thank you for writing, your story is forever burned in my heart. I am sure God is using your story to minister to others.