Enabling vs Helping

Enabling is doing for someone what they could and should be doing for themselves.  Helping is doing something for someone which they are NOT capable of doing for themselves. As we minister to people our goal should be to help not enable!

“Enabling is reacting to a person in such a way as to shield them from experiencing the full impact of the harmful consequences of their behavior.  It differs from helping in that it permits or allows the person to be irresponsible.” Celebrate Recovery

Why We Default to Enabling:

• We have confused “helping” and “enabling.”
• We fear for the person’s safety, the consequences or the unknown.
• We are trying to make up for things we should have done.
• It’s a bad habit we have developed.
• It’s easier to maintain the status quo than it is to change.
• We think it’s the right thing to do as Christians.
• We feel guilty.
• We don’t know a better way.
• We are trying to win love or approval.

How to Break the Enabling Cycle:

• Ask God for wisdom beyond yourself.
• Research the scriptures for Biblical principles.
• Have the courage to do what is best for the person long-term.
• Focus on facts not feelings.
• Identify the real issues.
• Refuse to enable even if you face rejection.

Too often enabling is about “us” – not the person we say we love or are trying to help. If you find it just too difficult moving from enabling to helping in your relationship, then reach out to a third party for assistance. Be honest. Explain your struggle. It does not mean the end of your relationship. In fact, it may be the real beginning as you see it move to a new level of maturity.

Additional Resources:
10 Keys to Ensure Caring Is Helping, by Brad Hambrick (Podcast)
10 Keys to Ensure Caring Is Helping, by Brad Hambrick (Video)